Yesterday: back to Narre Warren for my 3rd treatment. I’d had a headache all day. I am obliged to mention this to the clinician. I was fearful that I would experience the pain I had yesterday at the beginning of the treatment, due to magnetic coil placement, and intensity of the magnetic field used. It really hurt the other day, so there was part of me sooking all the way down the freeway. “I don’ wanna do dis. I don’ wanna go. It hurts.” And then to tell the clinician that I had a headache, and have her sitting there debating whether or not to treat me. I kept reassuring her it was a bog-standard headache, not a whopping big one. “Go on,” I kept urging her.
Long story short, I got my treatment. Juice wasn’t quite at capacity because a bit of ‘ow, that hurt’. Right hand side first, 19 minutes of the Chinese Water Torture tick-tick-tick. Just over 1000 pulses apparently. I hadn’t done much except a short walk, so my body was a bit fidgetty. I had a pillow under my knees to stop my back sending stupid electrical impulses down my legs. Seriously, back, stop giving me restless legs. No one thinks you’re smart.
Left side of my head was ‘woodpecker’ territory. The more intense 3000 pulses over 25 minutes. Short bursts of woodpeckering, followed by a short break, then 3 warning ticks, and off it goes again.
I was able to listen to my audio book. I’m still ploughing through PASSAGE by Connie Willis. The Titanic going down might be an analogy for a Near Death Experience, or death itself, but it’s not a good analogy for TMS. I’m yet to come up with a cultural analogy. No one is dying. No emergency, despite my neck thinking it needs to tense up.
I went to the chiropractor later in the afternoon. Ah, instant headache relief. So that’s what the problem was – tight neck and shoulders, not TMS effects. I slept well, and woke at 6.30am, bright as a button.
Uh oh. That bright as a button feeling is mighty close to ‘I can do everything, I have endless energy, I’m still feeling great at 5pm. I could go all night, getting shit done.’ Mighty close to the manic edge.
I went on the Pathways For Carers walk, and afternoon tea. I strode along at a good pace, whereas last month, I had to ask someone to walk more slowly with me, as I couldn’t keep up. A speaker from Maroondah Council NDIS something-or-other gave a talk, and I became more incensed by the moment. NDIS cost slashing, unsustainable structure, those in power not having lived experience. I broke in: “Well, I’m a writer. Point me at those who need to know. May as well use my skills.”
What? Since when do I volunteer for stuff, and still feel okay about it 10 minutes later? Where’s the ‘oh gods, what did I just let myself in for?’? Instead, I gave out my email to about 6 people who are carers, and who need help formulating a Carer Impact Statement. I can help with that. It will give me a way to work off some of this super-cheesed-off energy I have, as regards disability in Australia. THESE PEOPLE, INCLUDING MY OFFSPRING, DESERVE THE RESPECT AND SERVICE THAT YOU EXPECT AND GET, SCOTT MORRISON, PRIVILEGED, WHITE, WEALTHY, PENTACOSTAL PRIME MINISTER.
Afterwards, pottering in an op shop, I realised I had a whole armful of clothes to try on, two knick knacks, and 6 books. I put nearly everything back, and texted PizzaBoy: “I think I’m becoming manic.” I felt in dangerous territory that hasn’t faded yet. Which is why I can so quickly and easily tend to my blogging.
I’m told it’s too early to see any results from TMS. That I won’t see any results until at least week 3-4. That what I’m having now is the placebo effect. That I’m so positive this will work for me, that I will be changed, that I have willed myself into a better state. So, mind, settle down. Not so much, darling. Easy steps. Let’s find a normal level of mental health, rather than being Shiny.
And as for the art witchery I did on my brain, healing doesn’t mean mania. I’m scared. Help me settle please.
First step on getting home was straight into my pyjamas, and getting PB to apply moisturiser containing lavender, cedarwood, and frankincense oils to my back (itchy, and calming). Next, Rose Garden herbal tea, which contains rose petals, and chamomile. I’m crossing my fingers that slow time will calm me.
No thankyou to mania.