The Daily Blog – A cup of tea, a Bex, and a good lie down

Bex powders were developed and sold in Australia in the 20th century. They were marketed to women under stress as “why don’t you have a cup of tea, a Bex, and a good lie down”. So much so that the saying entered the language and means ‘chill out’. It’s not heard so much these days.

(Bex was taken off the market when it was shown to be addictive [caffeine content], and to cause kidney failure.)

Mum always had a packet of Bex in the house. I was given the powders as a kid when I had flu aches and pains. They tasted bitter, even in cordial or sweetened tea. I never had enough to become addicted, and my kidneys seem to be in fine form.

Out of my mouth today came the words “I need a cuppa, a Bex, and a good lie down.”

I was, and am, exhausted after databasing poems for 2 hours this morning, then making writing offerings to journals for 2 hours this afternoon. I slumped and uttered the Bex incantation. Then had to explain it to my support worker, Emily the Blonde.

I’m not at all nostalgic for actual Bex. I do like the idea of a cuppa and a lie down, though.

TMS update 21/10/21

Bit of a mental health wobble this past week. I felt it coming on. The slightly draggy thoughts, more than the usual amount of self-talk and prodding needed to get up, get showered and dressed, face the day. I’m usually horribly, militantly strict with myself. Get UP! Get clean! Eat! I am not a Protestant, but I have that Protestant work ethic in my genes. I am also an Eat That Frog person – if I can, get the most horrid things done first so that I’m free to enjoy the day.

It’s been a little bit more of a struggle, with a lot of questioning as to ‘why?’. Why do I have to get up, why Get On, why not drift through my day like a wisp of candle smoke?

And then, suddenly, on perhaps Sunday night, the quick image of hanging myself. Oh gods, not this bullshit again. I have gone through months of TMS treatment to be rid of this crap, and here it is. But it was gone again instantly, and I’ve made sure it hasn’t reappeared. I have very firmly told my brain that those old train tracks are now in disuse. I guess Brain decided to run an old Red Rattler(Melbourne had a train series called the Tait trains. They were red, with wooden bodies, introduced in 1910 as locomotive-hauled vans, and converted to electric in 1919, and retired from 1974) down an old line to see if there was any enthusiasm.

Readers, there was no enthusiasm.

On Monday, my favourite and closest first cousin, Betty, died. I have had an appropriate amount of crying and grief, as well as very many mixed feelings. Having lowered my anti-depressant dosage from 20mg to 15mg, I was actually able to feel my feelings, and cry. Both of which I think are good, although rather frightening for someone who has not felt her feelings properly in many years.

I thought about going back to weekly TMS, or raising my anti-depressant dosage again, reaching for instant fixes for what is a normal human condition – grief. A few days on, and I’m not going to do either. I’ll keep on keeping on with fortnightly TMS treatment, and my 15mg dosage.

Meanwhile, a doctor from the local medical centre, one I haven’t seen before(the ones I see regularly are either booked up or on leave), leapt straight in to: “I’m not sure about you continuing to use a sleeping pill, even half a one. I don’t like that.” Hello, white middle aged man I’ve met only five minutes before. A bit of a fight ensued until I got my prescriptions, with the promise that yes, next month, I’ll look at halving my sleeping pill and adding in a different one so I eventually swap to the less-dramatic-to-come-off pill. Which I’m okay with, as my current sleeping pill is a benzo, and they are notoriously addictive, and hard to come off of. So, a gradual switch to something less addictive, and easier to leave is welcome.

I do pout at any sleep disruption however. It’s only through drugged sleep that I have had any hope of approaching delta wave sleep, which is where healing happens. I’m a light sleeper, and don’t drop down into deep sleep. Which means that my body and mind are in a constant state of inflammation. Which gives me fibromyalgia symptoms. Which means body pain.

It’s a complex set of circumstances, and I’m will to take it super-slowly.

No TMS treatment this week. Back to it again next week.