The Daily Blog experiment – 1500 poems

A quiet background project I started nearly 2 years ago is the organisation of my writing files. I hired a support worker, because I didn’t know where to start on this enormous project.

At first, it was just putting all the articles in one folder, the poems in another, short stories in yet another.

Then Josie the Wonder Support Worker found me an easy-to-use database called AirTable and helped me set up databases for my various categories of writing.

When I interviewed Josie, I said there were maybe 80 articles, perhaps 30 short stories in the ‘unfinished’ basket, and 300 poems or so in first draft.

I have underestimated my output considerably. Josie has moved on, and I’m now working with Em the Blonde.

Short stories – 86 in first draft.

Articles – close to 120 published, 20 or so unpublished.

Poetry – today I databased poem number 1500, and there is more to go. This includes the published ones, and those on my books, and those I read out on TikTok. (Take into account the 5 or so new poems I’ve written for Season of the Wolf, the NaPoWriMo count which will be 30, and the April PAD poetry challenge, which will be another 30.)

I have not yet found or databased my 2 one-act plays, and the 30 minute radio play.

I can no longer find my old Star Trek fan fiction, but the State or National Library archives will help me find copies of the stories in the old SPOCK, BEYOND ANTARES, KATRA, METALUNA and THE MENTOR fanzines.

I have 3-4 first draft memoirs, the start of an autobiography, and 5 novels in first draft.

There are some song fragments, haiku, scifaiku, and other sundries.

I was somehow under impression that I hadn’t written very much since 1989. Oh, my dear mind, what a big lie you’ve been telling me!

Anyway, hurray for poem 1500! Onwards with more databasing next week.

The earrings I had stashed away as a reward for reaching 1500 poems.

15 year old girls – who even are they?

I’m writing a story at the moment, DREAMER AWAKE, where the main character is a fourteen year old girl. Now, we all know 14 is the prime age for girls to be…difficult. Challenging? Horrid?

Me at fourteen: let’s see, it’s 1978. I want to be a writer and an astronaut. I’m in about Year 9 at school. I still think I can be anything I want to be. A psychologist has suggested that computers are the coming thing, so I should concentrate on the sciences and mathematics. I still secretly play with my Barbies. I write dinky little mash-up stories. I read a lot. I don’t like sports much. I’m starting to realise how much about social interaction I don’t understand. I have big emotions and nothing to do with them. I long for a boyfriend or any male attention at all. I have pimples, am overweight, short, am super smart but have learned not to show it, wear glasses, and still get bullied. I have a strong urge to become a Jew. I pretend to like pop bands and have crushes on pop stars. I do have a crush on a boy at school but don’t let anyone know about it. I feel injustices in the world keenly and long to make sweeping changes to society in terms of women’s rights, animal rights, communism, war, and poverty. I also hate certain teachers with a passion and have a list of people that, if I see them all in one day, I claim my day is ruined. I also have a word I hate and if my friend says it, I pretend to freak out. Sometimes I think about jumping in front of a train. I long to belong to a tight friendship group and I don’t. I long to be cool, and I’m not. I’m not great at sport or craft or geography. I sometimes hear what people are thinking, and often sense what they’re feeling, and somehow, that stuff gloms onto me and I start feeling and thinking it. I love watching the natural world and thinking about it. Sometimes I pretend I’m Jane Goodall and make notes on what I see. Sometimes I get so angry for no reason that I scream into a pillow, or punch a locker. I want hair like Farrah Fawcett-Majors.

My daughter at fourteen: to protect her privacy I’m not going to go into great detail, but she ran well and truly off the rails at fourteen, and I didn’t know how to help her. Suddenly I was her greatest enemy and we couldn’t talk, if we ever did.

Now, many years since I’ve been a teen, and even 20 years since my daughter’s been 13, I have to write a teen girl and I’m all at sea. I guess I just keep injecting those big emotions in and it will all be okay.

Okay, got that off my chest. Back to the writing, before I head to dentist to have stitches out.

Let’s Get Down To Business – To Defeat the ADHD

That was the title of a new support worker ad I posted on Hire Up, and in a group on Facebook. My dear support worker has rediscovered the world of academia, and quite rightly wants to apply her undergraduate Psychology degree to the world, rather than do the fill-in work of support. Nevertheless, I cried for a day when she announced she was leaving.

I’m neurodiverse, or as I like to call it, neurofancy. I have autism, and ADHD. I struggle with the whole writing process these days. Never used to. Now I do. Writing new work is easy. That’s the fun part. It’s the rest of the business that drives me spare. Creative brain does not want to edit.

Autism says it should be perfect first time out of the gate. (It’s not, because I tend to hold the vision of the story in my head, and miss big chunks of necessary information out in the writing.)

ADHD brain is bored with the story now. I’ve told that, let’s move on to fresh pastures. (The OH SHINY aspect.)

Autism brain doesn’t want to change anything.

ADHD brain would rather write a whole new draft of the same story that is as equally flawed as the other version.

At the beginning of this year, I employed a writing mentor help me get some of my stories publication-ready. Let’s face it, work with my support worker revealed 106 first draft stories I’d never bothered with past the initial thrill of writing them. I thought maybe some of them had legs.

Rewriting is draft after draft after draft until I’m sick of the story, sick of myself, sick of my mentor. It’s a battle with the ADHD to sit down and do this. I have various techniques that help, but nothing that is 100% whiz-bang gets-the-job-done every time.

I thought maybe I’d get 12 stories sorted this year. It’s September. I’m on story 4.

So, I’m now officially a very slow writer. Okay…I can kind of deal with that….no I can’t. I’m used to writing very quickly. Just sit with it, Satya. New view of self. Factor in autism, ADHD, cPTSD, other adult responsibilities.

I’m after a new support worker to help with organising and databasing my computer files, help with creating and maintaining a website, help with social media stuff, submission calls, getting stuff sent out, keeping my writing submission files up to date, invoicing if invoicing has to be done.

At the same time, I’m reading ONLINE MARKETING FOR BUSY WRITERS(see my last blog post). Wargh! So many things. I don’t have a brand. I have me sitting here in yoga leggings and a tee that says ‘let that shit go’.

I opened up my poetry files just now to take a look to see if there was anything I could send MEANJIN before the cut off date, which is presumably 5pm today. The overwhelm!!!! I shut my files again.

I will go have a cup of tea, then open them again, and see what I have rewritten. Even if it’s speculative poem about Sea Monkeys on Mars(I’m not kidding, I have a poem about just that), Imma send it to them. The worst that can happen is a rejection email, automated.

Well, no, the poetry editor could personally hunt me down and kill me, but I doubt that will happen. Hope that won’t happen….hasn’t happened yet.

Oh ADHD, why? Just why?

The Tiny House

Once upon a time there was a tiny tiny house that was all alone in the woods. It had been empty for so long that it forgot who used to live there. Every day its floral curtains faded, and more cobwebs cluttered the corners. The house was sad, and lonely. Most of all, it was cold. It had been so very long since a fire had warmed its hearth. Still, it could remember how it had once kindled its fire for whoever had lived there.

The little house wriggled itself hard and the cobwebs in the chimney fell down. Enough so that there was the basis of a fire. The house squeezed and huffed and puffed. Suddenly, a spark kindled in the fireplace. The cobwebs caught. The house huffed and puffed. Soon there was a wee fire burning in the hearth, and smoke swept up the chimney.

In another part of the forest was the young witch Jazmine, who was gathering herbs to make a tea for her Grandma. She lived on her own in a tent in the woods as she learned more and more about how to be a witch. Every two days she popped home to see her Grandma and learn some more magic from her. Jazmine wished she had a little home of her own, but a tent was all she had.

She straightened up from gathering herbs and saw small puffs of smoke in the sky.

“I didn’t know anyone else lived in the woods,” she said, and she followed the smoke.

“Why, it’s a little house, a tiny house,” she said. It was just her size, because she was still a little girl witch. “This is just my size. Look at the doorway, just a few inches taller than me. This would be much nicer than my tent.”

So the little witch walked back to her camp, packed up, and moved into the tiny house. The house wriggled with delight when Jazmine lit a fire in the hearth and began to sweep away the years of dust and cobwebs. Jazmine smiled. Her new house was happy.

But within a couple of years, the little house began to feel the strain. Jazmine had filled her bedroom with blankets, and a huge wooden bed. The wardrobe was full of forest coloured clothing, and sets of sturdy boots sat under the bed. The other bedroom was festooned with bunches of drying herbs and flowers, a cupboard of potions and lotions, and chests of drawers full of precious oils distilled from forest fruits and plants.

One day, as Jazmine ducked her head to come inside, she stopped and said: “Tiny house, I have grown, you haven’t. You are such a lovely, snug house, but I’m afraid I might have to move. Would you….do you think you’d like to…grow?”

The house creaked and swayed a little. It had always been a tiny house, perhaps sprouted from a mushroom. It had never been any other way. It was scary to think of being different, but if it didn’t grow, its beloved little witch, who was now a bigger witch, older and taller, might move away.

“I know it’s scary, little house, but perhaps, maybe, we can grow together.”

The house gave a small wriggle, right down to its wooden floor, and strong foundations of stone. If Jazmine could be brave about growing up, maybe it could be too.

Jazmine set her cauldron over the hearth fire, and set well water to simmering. She added calendula, basil, peppermint, lavender, vervain, mugwort, comfrey, rose petals, jasmine petals, oatstraw, blackberry leaves, and stevia. Slowly, steam rose from the cauldron, and the vital oils from the dried plants were released into the water, into the steam. A wild, magical aroma filled the kitchen, and then the air in the whole house. It crept into the bricks and stone the wood and mortar, the straw and cloth. Every crevice, and even the mousehole in the skirting board.

The tiny house felt very tight and full. Like it would burst. It wriggled and wriggled. Cups and saucers in the kitchen cupboard rattled. The rafters creaked, and as Jazmine watched, the house stretched upwards. Two inches, five inches, ten inches, two feet, six feet. Out of the side of the house popped two more rooms, and the kitchen puffed outwards. The front door creaked up and out.

The tiny house had become a middle sized house, big enough for a growing girl, and her mouse friend who lived in the skirting board. Mousie popped out of her hole.

“Oh my, now I can have my family,” she said. “It will be big enough for me to have some children.”

“Not too many,” Jazmine said. “I can’t be overrun by mice.”

“Oh no,” said Mousie. “Just maybe five or six, and as soon as they’re grown, they’ll be off to find their own homes.”

“Tiny house, look at you!” said Jazmine. “Now we’re both older and bigger. Let’s make bigger magic, just as soon as I learn it from my Grandma.”

And so, Witch Jazmine and her house, and Mousie and her five children were very happy living in the woods. They helped the forest grow, and flourish, and every day, more animals returned to the woods to make a home. Every few days, Jazmine walked to her Grandma’s house on the edge of the woods, and learned more magic. Potions, lotions, balms, plant magic, animal kinship, sacred dance and song, how to make and enchant candles, how to talk to bees, the wonder of knots and weaving.

One day, Jazmine arrived home with her Grandma. Grandma had broken her arm and couldn’t cook or clean for herself, so Jazmine had insisted that Grandma come live with her.

Grandma eyed the house. “It’s a little small for both of us,” she said. “Especially when my good friends the deer come to visit. They like to come right in the back door and sit in the sun room with me. Do you have a sun room?”

There was no sun room. And so Jazmine asked her house: “Sweet house, do you think we could grow again? I think my Grandma should come live with us now, because she is getting older, and the winter will be harsh this year. Would you like to be bigger?”

And the house, although it was afraid of what this might mean, could see that it would be even more loved if Grandma and her deer were there, and that would feel good. And it had been feeling tight in the corners and walls, because as Jazmine’s knowledge grew, so did her equipment. She now needed a whole room for her notebooks. The house gave a wriggle, and Jazmine set to work.

She put her cauldron over the hearthfire, and filled it with well water. She added the twelve herbs she had used before, and added a good amount of black ginger. Thirteen magical herbs. Maybe she overdid the black ginger, for as the aroma filled the house, the house creaked like it was about to fall apart. The ceiling rose, and the roof split four times, each section growing upwards into a high point. The house was becoming a castle, with towers, and even a moat and drawbridge. Every brick and stone shuddered. The wooden floors shot forwards, backwards and sideways, tipping Grandma onto her backside, and Jazmine onto her front. It felt like an earthquake. The rooms grew huge, and tapestries unrolled on the walls. More rooms pop pop popped out of nowhere filling the insides of the castle.

Mousie ran out of her mousehole to see what was happening and squeaked as her little home grew into a small mouse palace of its own, complete with its own drawbridge and moat, right there in the enormous kitchen. The hearth expanded so that three cauldrons could cook at once.

The front door flew open, and slowly the aroma dissipated. The creaking and groaning stopped and the castle stopped shaking. Jazmine helped Grandma to her feet.

“Well,” said Grandma, “we certainly all have somewhere to live now. I’ll just go find myself a set of rooms near the solarium, which will be much grander than my tiny sun room. My deer friends will be so happy to have a whole solarium to rest in, and sweet plants to munch. When I’m settled, you’ll be able to visit me every day for lessons.”

And off she went to find herself her own tower and rooms.

Mousie squeaked in delight. “Now I can have some more children!” And she disappeared into her little palace to make herself at home.

Jazmine patted the wall of the kitchen, right next to the hearth. “Dear little, what a lovely castle you are. Fit for a princess or queen. Shall we take a deep breath and jump forward into our bigger lives?”

The castle creaked at her, and together, they stepped forward into bigger lives, bigger magic.

******

My young granddaughter is hungry for stories, and has discovered I can make them. So she asks for new ones. This is one I made up out of the following prompt: “It has to be about me, and you, Grandma. It should be in the woods, and have a little house, a middle sized house, and a castle. Oh, and a mouse.”

I thought I’d write it down because maybe it has legs and could be a children’s book one day. Besides, if I have it written down, I can tell it to her again during my next visit.

How mood affects my relationship with writing

Suffice to say, I’m going through some deeply awful and confronting and sad personal things to do with family at the moment, and it’s all I can do not to grab the person concerned and cuff them to a chair while I browbeat them with justifications, martyrdom, and victimhood. I’m not, though. I’m trying to stay quiet, at least with them, until I’m in a better mental space to suggest Family Systems therapy.

All this is leaking over into every other aspect of my life. It’s exhausting. What’s also exhausting is lifting myself out of this to think of anything else. I don’t want to be obsessing. There’s more to me that just that issue.

Tonight, I read a new blog piece by an author I admire, Angela Slatter, on getting your backlist of stories to work for you in reprint anthologies, in podcasts, etc. I do have a backlist of stories. In 2018 I edited them and assembled them into a collection called THE COMMUNICANT AND OTHER STORIES. It sank without trace. Sold about 40 copies at the book launch, and then did very little.

With family issues heavy on me, making any effort towards my backlist, front list, future list or anything else feels pointless.

“Who the fuck gives a hoot?” my mind said.

Like blogging, sending stories and poems out in the hope of professional publication feels like yelling into the wind. I don’t know where to find the extra levels of energy and concentration to do this consistently. I used to do it. I used to have 8 stories out in the post at once, and when one came back, it went out again.

I don’t want to say that age, mental ill-health, anxiety, and damage to my self-esteem have won, but….

Have you noticed all my poems are going on here now, instead of being sent into the world? It’s just easier.

Flash Fiction – Desert Moon

This was my January 2021 entry for ‘Furious Fiction’.

DESERT MOON

            “I can’t believe we got away with it,” I say. Bruno rolls his eyes at me. He isn’t patient.

            “Will you shut up?” he snaps. “You keep saying that.” A cigarette dangles from his lower lip, stuck there by dried spit. He draws breath. “So now what?”

            We both stare down at his big chest freezer. He opens the lid, his desert-tanned hands dark against the white lid. Dry ice vapour rolls out, making fog in the pale dawn light. On top of the steak cuts is little Howie. We’d pulled him from the wreckage of that saucer out past Roswell in the middle of the night. We’d been out shooting rabbits.

            Howie had been alive when we saw the saucer go down, chased the light, watched him crawl out.  Light enough to carry  him to our flatbed.

            “I reckon the trip out here killed him,” I say.

            “You keep saying that, too. And I keep saying that flatbed was clean. I’d washed the weed killer out two weeks ago.” Bruno flips his cigarette straight back onto his tongue and out again between his lips. Signature move, he calls it. To impress the ladies. No lady’s ever been impressed with Bruno.

            The walkie talkie hung on Bruno’s hip crackles to life.

            “Bruno Bear, you there?”

            Bruno swings the heavy chunk of metal up to his mouth. “Roger Cindy, what’s up?”

            “Looks to be a big mess of cars headed your way, along the highway, and ‘cross country, too. They’ve just turned off all their lights.”

            “Thanks, Cin.”

            We look at each other.

            “Doesn’t seem decent to let the police have Howie,” Bruno says, stamping out his cigarette. They’ll dissect him, cut him up.”

            “We can’t bury him,” I say. “Ground’s as hard as nails.”

            “If I take the flatbed-“

            “Tyre tracks,” I say.

            Our eyes stray to the bicycle rig Bruno’s tinkered with for years. It has a long-life battery pack, and smooth tyres, all three of them. Enough room on the back for some supplies. Bruno ducked into his shack to grab some tins of food.

            Howie’s not frozen enough to not bend, so when Bruno throws clothes at me, I dress the little grey body in trousers and a shirt, but his head’s too big to wear a hat. I tie a scarf around his head. Poor wretch.

            Next thing, Bruno’s on the bike, and I’m tying Howie to him with rope. Bruno starts peddling to get up power, and then they take off silently across the desert. I throw booze all down my front. I’ll lie down in my bed, pretend I’m dead drunk. Folks think Bruno and I drink our lives away out here. A passed out man can’t tell tales.

            I take a last look at them. Howie’s listing. Then I see the bicycle swerve and jerk all over the place. Bruno’s screaming. And Howie’s cold, thin, grey hand is on Bruno’s cheek….

*****

Fairy Tale mash up part 1

Good old Jack. Emphasis on the ‘old’. Well, older than her anyway, by a long shot. He hung around pubs all day, or street corners where everything turned on a deal, a dime, dead end people going dead nowhere. His mother housebound. No one quite knew what the disability was, but she could apparently be left alone all day, while Jack spent her pension money. Never worked a day in his life, while she’d worked plenty, in her time.

He met Poppy on that street corner. A girl going somewhere, so she said. Waiting for a bus. Leaving home to go live with her grandmother. So she said. She’d had enough of her nagging mother. Put her at eighteen, at the most.

Jack liked tall girls, with a bit of flesh to them, and Poppy’s black hair and brown skin gleamed in the early Spring light, when, by all logic, she should look dull after a long, dry winter. Gleamed like oak that’s had a lot of oil put to it.

Good old Jack. First lad to her side, as he’d always been the first to any girl’s side. A quick boy. He managed half her lunch by lunch time, and her behind the hedge behind the bus stop by mid afternoon. Her red jacket under her back, her black tshirt of the band WolfMother hoiked up under her arms. Small breasts, for all her size. Jack didn’t mind. He liked to lie between the hip bones of her, and soak up her warmth. Still nippy in Spring.

He took her home with him. His mother was asleep on the couch. The tv played the second half of a tv series she was bingeing.

“Can you cook?” he asked Poppy.

“Nuh. Me mother wanted me to learn, like. One of the reasons I left.”

“I can’t neither, ” said Jack. “We’ll order in.”

He used his mother’s debit card. He knew the pin off by heart. She ordered a bean and vegetable soup and some garlic bread for his mother. He and Poppy had burgers, nice fatty, heavy meat burgers with all the trimmings. Poppy took the beetroot out of hers.

“Don’t like beetroot,” she said. “It looks like blood.”

“Funny sorta blood, purple-like,” Jack said.

****

To Be Continued.